For all of my love of pushing creative envelopes, and turning things inside and out with postmodern glee, I also have a sentimentally-laden, corny-storyline loving traditionalist in me, who very rarely gets his way except at Christmas time when the many tales of redemptive love, chestnuts roasting on an open fire and sugar plum fairies dancing in peoples’ heads win out over tales of the bizarre, the odd and the zombified.
Hence ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas and A Christmas Carol are usually the go-to books of choice at this time of year, their warm and fuzzy tales of family togetherness, jolly men in red suits and good triumphing over Scrooge-ness reassuring me that this truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
That is not to say of course that I can’t appreciate an odd, slightly off picture post card perfect image of Christmas such as I Saw Mommy Biting Santa Claus which is I discovered a few weeks ago in one of my favourite local bookstores.
After all, all Hallmark and no HBO-twisted festiveness makes Andrew rather too much of a straight-laced boy and I am anything but that.
So I went searching for some left of centre festive tomes, and came across the following five books, which try to throw a thoroughly unconventional spin on Christmas, all of which left me scratching my head wondering who laced the eggnog at the publishing company come manuscript selection time … and eternally grateful they did!
SANTA CLAUS IS DEAD by JASON TWEDE
A self-published title via Amazon’s CreateSpace service, Santa Claus is Dead is stuffed full of all kinds of seditious ideas – Mrs Claus as a Marilyn Monroe-esque vixen half Santa Claus’s age, angry elves tired of sub par working conditions … and a very dead jolly old man in red, left for dead in the middle of snow-covered forest.
And who’s the prime suspect in this most foul of festive murders?
An 11 year old girl who is framed by people unknown, and whose only hope for exoneration is one Detective Johnny Iceberg, who with the help of penguin beat police and polar bear detectives, has to get to the bottom of things before she loses all hope for a happy Christmas.
It’s hilariously funny, wildly imaginative, with way more sweetness and humanity than the title may suggest.
If you want to please your traditionalist and your wacky inner postmodernist all at once, then Santa Claus is Dead is likely the way to do it.
IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE ZOMBIES: A Book of Zombie Christmas carols by Michael P. Spradlin
Yes I know what you’re thinking …
Thank goodness someone finally came up with undead-appropriate Christmas carols right?
And these are gems, beautifully re-worded by Michael P. Spradlin, to provide, succour, cheer and thoughts of various dismembered body parts for the virus-afflicted, brain-craving shufflers among us.
The blurb says it all (via goodreads.com):
“In celebration of this merry macabre season, we present a peerless compendium of more than two dozen of the most soul-stirring, brain-boiling carols composed specifically for the decomposing. Holiday favorites such as “I Saw Mommy Chewing Santa Claus,” “Deck the Halls with Parts of Wally,” and “We Three Spleens” are guaranteed to lift the spirits of the lumbering, shuffling undead and their temporarily still breathing meals-to-be. So put down your gore-splattered baseball bats and raise your voices in song! And sing loudly—to drown out all the screaming.”
It’s inspired, it’s insanely clever and proof positive that even zombies “need a little Christmas” … or is that forearm?
THE HAUNTED TEA-COSY: A Dispirited and Distasteful Diversion for Christmas by Edward Gorey
I love nonsensical, almost bizarre takes on Christmas, which is crying out for way more lunacy than it gets (I love ya Hallmark but you need to throw some more lunacy in the mix), which is why Edward Gorey’s off-kilter take on Dicken’s A Christmas Carol is such a refreshing oddity.
Centred on the person of miser Edmond Gravel, it tells the story of a series of visitations he experiences by wacky ghosts reminiscent but in no ways beholding to the ones in Bill Murray’s Scrooged, who are unleashed by a stale piece of 10 year old fruitcake.
While the adventures that the Ghosts of Christmas That Never Was and The Christmas That Will Never Be, all orchestrated by a mysterious tea cosy dwelling creature called the Bahhum Bug who acts as host, were described in a review of the book by publishersweekly.com as “irrelevant” and “banal”, they manage to stir Mr Gravel to action, leading him to throw an uncharacteristically large and colourful party once the ghosts have gone.
It’s weird yes but an utter delight if you value stories that don’t trot out the same saccharine-sweet messages common to so many other more narratively-standard Christmas tales and dare to play fast and loose with conventional motifs of the festive season.
That’s not to say the book doesn’t have a message – it does; which is, I think, to chill and not take everything so seriously – but it wraps it up in such a joyfully unconventional package that the moral of the story isn’t necessarily as important as the story itself and you are lost in one of the craziest, most delightful tales of the season yet.
SCARED OF SANTA: Scenes of Terror in Toyland by by Denise Joyce and Nancy Watkins
Seriously who could possibly be afraid of the jolly old man in red?
Well the non-zombified version anyway?
Apparently lots and lots and LOTS of kids, who have had their fear of sitting in Santa’s lap captured for all eternity in those obligatory photos that parents insist on taking to capture the “joy” of the season.
To be fair, if I was a parent, I would be happily submitting my kids to the ritual, given my propensity to sentimentally mark and all occasions, especially the ones I love most like Christmas, so I understand why many parents would want visits to Santa to (a) happen and (b) be immortalised in a red and greed megapixels for everyone to see.
Every single photo is hilarious, proof positive, in the words of the back of the book blurb that “one of every two children is terrified of Santa – and clowns” and therefore may not need a visit to St Nick to feel like they’ve enjoyed a well-rounded, festive Christmas.
Whether your kids, nieces and nephews or whoever loves or loathes Santa, this is one of those perfect Christmas books that subverts every bit as much as it celebrates.
THE LITTLE BOOK OF CHRISTMAS STRESS by Rohan Candappa
Now it may surprise you but many people find Christmas stressful.
No, really they do.
Personally I find that more than a little baffling since I am one of those rare souls who loves the hustle and bustle of crowded shopping malls (as long as I don’t have to park at them; public transport all the way thank you), the thrill of picking out presents, wrapping paper and cards, and the ceaseless rush of activities as everyone does their best to mark the season.
Well hardy festive souls like myself baffle author Rohan Candappa whose books are geared to adding stress to life, not taking away.
Thus The Little Book of Christmas Stress is all about piling up the guilt, the expectations and the obligations unless you’re ready to explode in a frenzied mess of gaudy tinsel, half-working lights and baubles.
Here’s what Goodreads has to say about the book:
“If you’re not sure how to get started, Rohan offers a long list of suggestions. For example, unrealistic expectations are always a winner at Christmas. Try to encourage as many of them as you possibly can. Or on visits to friends or relatives, shake their Christmas trees vigorously when no one is looking. And at selected moments try to spoil everyone’s Christmas Day by bringing religion into it. And what would Christmas be without children? Delight your friends and relatives by secretly teaching their young children rude versions of Christmas carols. In addition, make sure any children you encounter understand that the true meaning of Christmas is to get as many presents as possible.
A how-to guide for infusing the holidays with extra touches of aggravation, this funny Little Book might be the only laugh you get in December!”
So dial up your inner Martha Stewart, make your own Christmas paper and remember – if your Christmas plans sound simple, you’re not doing it right!